To care is to be naive,
To hold back makes me cold.
I cannot do either,
And yet I must do both,
For I know not what
You’ll make of
What I feel
For You.
I am not naive, nor cold.
And yet I must be both,
For love which goes
Untold, is in truth-
And in my heart-
Better than that
Which goes
For a fall.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Fight
A lot of people believe that the opposite of love is hate. It isn’t. It’s indifference.
Today, my mother asked me, “Did the both of you have a fight?” I didn’t quite know how to reply, so I pretended I hadn’t heard her and quickly escaped to the familiar confines of my room. I couldn’t tell her- “No, we haven’t had a fight. It’s just that... he left me... for someone else. But no, we haven’t fought.”
I know I don’t like confrontation. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Even when I know I’m right and I should stand up for myself, I choose to remain silent. The alternative is just too exhausting, and too ugly, to be worth it. It’s the reason why, when he said- his eyes on the floor, too ashamed to face me-“I’ve fallen in love with someone else,” I didn’t say anything. There were a million questions that I wanted to ask, a billion things I didn’t understand. Still, I kept my peace.
“I spoke to her about this... and she said... she loves me too.” That was interesting- I’d met her, for the first time three days ago, and she hadn’t said anything about this then. She’d smiled and mentioned how much she’d heard about me. Clearly, they’d been speaking of some other things as well. What a bitch. As for him- I have no words. They deserve each other.
He fell silent. He was waiting for me to react, but I didn’t want to give him that satisfaction. I prolonged the silence, taking sadistic pleasure in his guilt. “Well...?” he asked.
“Well... what? I don’t think there’s anything left to say.” And, really, there wasn’t.
“Don’t be like that. I know you’re angry. I know you’re hurt. It’s ok; I know I’m a bastard.” He was unbelievable. Not only did he presume he could analyse my feelings, now he was telling me how I was supposed to treat him as well? What did I ever see in him? I think I must’ve hurt my head when I said yes to him.
“Um... you like her, she likes you. I don’t think there’s anything I can say. I mean I could say you’re like a little kid in a toy store, but it’s completely pointless.” It was the ultimate barb- he hated being called a kid. He winced, and then said stiffly- “I’m really sorry...”
“Oh, you should be.”
He said nothing. I let it be. I knew he would feel a lot guiltier if I said nothing at all and I was enjoying that. I deserved that much at least- the cheap thrills. I left then, but over the past week I’ve been enjoying making him feel like the jerk that he is. I’ve returned his things, all of them- even the little gifts he gave me. I’ve enjoyed watching him wriggle and squirm.
The last time I saw him, I returned a napkin that he’d written a note on.
He was embarrassed- “You can keep it... or throw it away.”
”No. You gave it to me. You can keep it, or throw it away... or wipe your nose with it.” I loved the expression on his face. Silently, he folded it and kept it in his wallet. I am so petty.
It’s strange how- even though he was the one who chose this- he got hurt when I was flippant about it. It wasn’t put on though. I really don’t care. I’m even getting bored of seeing him squirm. He isn’t worth it.
I think I’ll go tell my mother that it’s over.
Today, my mother asked me, “Did the both of you have a fight?” I didn’t quite know how to reply, so I pretended I hadn’t heard her and quickly escaped to the familiar confines of my room. I couldn’t tell her- “No, we haven’t had a fight. It’s just that... he left me... for someone else. But no, we haven’t fought.”
I know I don’t like confrontation. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Even when I know I’m right and I should stand up for myself, I choose to remain silent. The alternative is just too exhausting, and too ugly, to be worth it. It’s the reason why, when he said- his eyes on the floor, too ashamed to face me-“I’ve fallen in love with someone else,” I didn’t say anything. There were a million questions that I wanted to ask, a billion things I didn’t understand. Still, I kept my peace.
“I spoke to her about this... and she said... she loves me too.” That was interesting- I’d met her, for the first time three days ago, and she hadn’t said anything about this then. She’d smiled and mentioned how much she’d heard about me. Clearly, they’d been speaking of some other things as well. What a bitch. As for him- I have no words. They deserve each other.
He fell silent. He was waiting for me to react, but I didn’t want to give him that satisfaction. I prolonged the silence, taking sadistic pleasure in his guilt. “Well...?” he asked.
“Well... what? I don’t think there’s anything left to say.” And, really, there wasn’t.
“Don’t be like that. I know you’re angry. I know you’re hurt. It’s ok; I know I’m a bastard.” He was unbelievable. Not only did he presume he could analyse my feelings, now he was telling me how I was supposed to treat him as well? What did I ever see in him? I think I must’ve hurt my head when I said yes to him.
“Um... you like her, she likes you. I don’t think there’s anything I can say. I mean I could say you’re like a little kid in a toy store, but it’s completely pointless.” It was the ultimate barb- he hated being called a kid. He winced, and then said stiffly- “I’m really sorry...”
“Oh, you should be.”
He said nothing. I let it be. I knew he would feel a lot guiltier if I said nothing at all and I was enjoying that. I deserved that much at least- the cheap thrills. I left then, but over the past week I’ve been enjoying making him feel like the jerk that he is. I’ve returned his things, all of them- even the little gifts he gave me. I’ve enjoyed watching him wriggle and squirm.
The last time I saw him, I returned a napkin that he’d written a note on.
He was embarrassed- “You can keep it... or throw it away.”
”No. You gave it to me. You can keep it, or throw it away... or wipe your nose with it.” I loved the expression on his face. Silently, he folded it and kept it in his wallet. I am so petty.
It’s strange how- even though he was the one who chose this- he got hurt when I was flippant about it. It wasn’t put on though. I really don’t care. I’m even getting bored of seeing him squirm. He isn’t worth it.
I think I’ll go tell my mother that it’s over.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Because
She was raped.
Because
She was dressed
like a Whore-
Rebellious Red
from top,
not quite reaching
Knee,
Feet clad
in dangerous Heels,
not quite covering
Painted Crimson Toe.
She was raped.
Because
She was at
a party-
Out.
Late.
At Night.
With them.
Not boys.
Not men-
Definitely. Not
Really.
She was raped.
Because
She was a girl
Who dared
To speak
Her mind
Out Loud.
To Break Out.
She was raped
Because
the Fingers:
Nosy.
Inquisitive.
Self-righteous.
Would point.
Accusingly.
Not at them.
But at Her.
She was raped.
Because
they said,
and everyone agreed,
She asked for it.
After a party.
On a deserted street.
In the dark.
Of course!
It was all her.
She was raped.
Because
the crime-
if it would be called that-
Was perpetrated
by
faceless faces,
nameless names,
And no body.
they raped her.
Because
they could.
Because
She was dressed
like a Whore-
Rebellious Red
from top,
not quite reaching
Knee,
Feet clad
in dangerous Heels,
not quite covering
Painted Crimson Toe.
She was raped.
Because
She was at
a party-
Out.
Late.
At Night.
With them.
Not boys.
Not men-
Definitely. Not
Really.
She was raped.
Because
She was a girl
Who dared
To speak
Her mind
Out Loud.
To Break Out.
She was raped
Because
the Fingers:
Nosy.
Inquisitive.
Self-righteous.
Would point.
Accusingly.
Not at them.
But at Her.
She was raped.
Because
they said,
and everyone agreed,
She asked for it.
After a party.
On a deserted street.
In the dark.
Of course!
It was all her.
She was raped.
Because
the crime-
if it would be called that-
Was perpetrated
by
faceless faces,
nameless names,
And no body.
they raped her.
Because
they could.
Monday, September 19, 2011
An introduction
I believe that to really truly know someone you don’t need to know what happened in the past, all you need to know is what they want to create for their future- what their dreams and ambitions are.
Recently, as I was going through some of my things, I came across a list that I’d made last November. It started off as a bucket list- a list of random, unconnected things that I wanted to do before I died. Later, though, a thread started developing and it became more than just a list. These are all of the things that I want to do with my life; this is what I want my life to be. Some of these things can now be crossed out, some things I haven’t even started. Some of these things may not be possible, some of them I struggle with on a daily basis- but this is what keeps me going.
I’ve posted it here. It is a bit long, but I hope it’s not very boring. More than anything, really, it’s an introduction to me. Happy reading!
I want to:
1. Make a difference, so that it counts.
2. Write a book.
3. Sky- diving!
4. Bungee jumping.
5. Rock climbing.
6. Skiing.
7. Water skiing.
8. Parasailing.
9. Lose weight.
10. Learn to balance on a bicycle.
11. Learn to ride a bike.
12. Get a car of my own.
13. Climb Everest! Or any mountain really.
14. Fall in love.
15. Do a road trip around India.
16. Travel the world!
17. Work on a cruise ship
18. Get a tattoo
19. Learn Kannada and Bengali.
20. Learn Greek and Italian or French.
21. Learn one other language- Japanese or Mandarin or Korean.
22. Get blind drunk.
23. Get high.
24. Make a total stranger's day!
25. Get my nose pierced.
26. Learn yoga.
27. Connect with God and have faith.
28. Read every book I can lay my hands on.
29. Have a ball on my 21st birthday!
30. Do something really nice for my friends once in a while.
31. Shave my head once.
32. Go to the Wagah border.
33. Go to the Golden Temple
34. See the Taj Mahal.
35. Meet the Dalai Lama.
36. Take tuition classes for children.
37. Start a school where dreams come true and where everyone has the right to dream. A school where children will draw their dreams during Art, pen their dreams on paper during English, and maybe make them come to life during Science class! Somewhere where no child will lose hope, or believe that something is impossible.
38. Meet a ninth generation Balinese medicine man who'll read my palm and tell me where my fortune lies.
39. Go to a Greek fortune-teller.
40. Go to a Turkish fortune-teller.
41. Tell my bad fortune to go to hell and do my own thing!
42. Dance in the rain!
43. A romantic candlelight dinner at the beach with the person I love or with my dog/cat or just me.
44. Learn to play a musical instrument. Or at least to sing!
45. Challenge myself each day, every day to do something new; something I feel like I can't do.
46. Challenge myself each day, every day to do something someone else says I can't do, and to rock at it!
47. Learn to be patient.
48. Learn to be more compassionate and respectful.
49. Learn to forgive others and to forgive myself-especially myself, because I can't forgive others without forgiving myself.
50. Stop procrastinating and start living life NOW!
51. To be able to touch the moon and the stars.
52. To witness a miracle. Something no one else has ever seen before…
53. Witness a natural occurrence first hand and to live to tell the tale without any losses- volcano, tsunami, cyclone…
54. Learn to cook great food
55. And to cook amazing desserts!
56. To be an optimist.
57. To be a good friend.
58. And to be a good person
59. To have some principles.
60. And to live by them and stick by them.
61. To be the best I can be.
62. And do the best I can do in any situation.
63. Live life fully, in each and every moment.
64. To dream. To hope. To pray. To have faith. To love.
65. To imagine and to believe.
66. Walk the length of the Great Wall of China.
67. Scuba dive near the Great Coral Reef.
68. Go trekking on Mt. Vesuvius.
69. Every day try to make someone's life brighter, maybe just by smiling at them.
70. Experience the aurora borealis.
71. See Morichchjhapi
72. Hit an eve teaser where it hurts!
73. Find meaning in ever small or big thing I do. Find meaning in each day.
74. Learn salsa and jive.
75. To invent, or create or make something with my own hands and pour my soul into it.
76. Adopt a child
77. Win something.
78. To be able to wish for something and not lose hope.
79. Make a wish and have it come true!
80. Start a library. Or at least run it.
81. Work in a bookshop.
82. Make a meaningful film or video.
83. Learn to let go and stop hurting myself.
84. Be the person I want to be.
85. To accept criticism gracefully
86. To also think for myself and decide whether the criticism was valid or not.
87. To be able to make my own decisions.
88. To be able to differentiate between right and wrong.
89. To screw up sometimes and then get it right.
90. Learn to skate
91. Learn some bad ass martial art.
92. To be sure that my first kiss is with someone I really like, and not just because.
93. Above rule applies to all further kisses/relationships.
94. To have the courage to trust someone after my trust is broken, to have the courage to love someone after my heart is broken, to have the courage to put my faith in God even though my prayers haven't been answered, to dream even though things haven't quite worked out. Because that's all there is- courage, trust, love, faith, hope, and a dream.
95. To wake up after a bad day and have the strength to go through with it.
96. To wake up after a good day with a promise to myself that today will be better than yesterday!
97. I will fall, and I will get up and try again. And this time I will succeed. Period.
98. Who would've thought I made this list? Give them something to think about!
99. To have the courage to stand for what I believe in; to be free so that every action, every decision and every thought is the result of love and not fear.
100. To love, obey and abide by this list- for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow- for as long as I shall live.
Recently, as I was going through some of my things, I came across a list that I’d made last November. It started off as a bucket list- a list of random, unconnected things that I wanted to do before I died. Later, though, a thread started developing and it became more than just a list. These are all of the things that I want to do with my life; this is what I want my life to be. Some of these things can now be crossed out, some things I haven’t even started. Some of these things may not be possible, some of them I struggle with on a daily basis- but this is what keeps me going.
I’ve posted it here. It is a bit long, but I hope it’s not very boring. More than anything, really, it’s an introduction to me. Happy reading!
I want to:
1. Make a difference, so that it counts.
2. Write a book.
3. Sky- diving!
4. Bungee jumping.
5. Rock climbing.
6. Skiing.
7. Water skiing.
8. Parasailing.
9. Lose weight.
10. Learn to balance on a bicycle.
11. Learn to ride a bike.
12. Get a car of my own.
13. Climb Everest! Or any mountain really.
14. Fall in love.
15. Do a road trip around India.
16. Travel the world!
17. Work on a cruise ship
18. Get a tattoo
19. Learn Kannada and Bengali.
20. Learn Greek and Italian or French.
21. Learn one other language- Japanese or Mandarin or Korean.
22. Get blind drunk.
23. Get high.
24. Make a total stranger's day!
25. Get my nose pierced.
26. Learn yoga.
27. Connect with God and have faith.
28. Read every book I can lay my hands on.
29. Have a ball on my 21st birthday!
30. Do something really nice for my friends once in a while.
31. Shave my head once.
32. Go to the Wagah border.
33. Go to the Golden Temple
34. See the Taj Mahal.
35. Meet the Dalai Lama.
36. Take tuition classes for children.
37. Start a school where dreams come true and where everyone has the right to dream. A school where children will draw their dreams during Art, pen their dreams on paper during English, and maybe make them come to life during Science class! Somewhere where no child will lose hope, or believe that something is impossible.
38. Meet a ninth generation Balinese medicine man who'll read my palm and tell me where my fortune lies.
39. Go to a Greek fortune-teller.
40. Go to a Turkish fortune-teller.
41. Tell my bad fortune to go to hell and do my own thing!
42. Dance in the rain!
43. A romantic candlelight dinner at the beach with the person I love or with my dog/cat or just me.
44. Learn to play a musical instrument. Or at least to sing!
45. Challenge myself each day, every day to do something new; something I feel like I can't do.
46. Challenge myself each day, every day to do something someone else says I can't do, and to rock at it!
47. Learn to be patient.
48. Learn to be more compassionate and respectful.
49. Learn to forgive others and to forgive myself-especially myself, because I can't forgive others without forgiving myself.
50. Stop procrastinating and start living life NOW!
51. To be able to touch the moon and the stars.
52. To witness a miracle. Something no one else has ever seen before…
53. Witness a natural occurrence first hand and to live to tell the tale without any losses- volcano, tsunami, cyclone…
54. Learn to cook great food
55. And to cook amazing desserts!
56. To be an optimist.
57. To be a good friend.
58. And to be a good person
59. To have some principles.
60. And to live by them and stick by them.
61. To be the best I can be.
62. And do the best I can do in any situation.
63. Live life fully, in each and every moment.
64. To dream. To hope. To pray. To have faith. To love.
65. To imagine and to believe.
66. Walk the length of the Great Wall of China.
67. Scuba dive near the Great Coral Reef.
68. Go trekking on Mt. Vesuvius.
69. Every day try to make someone's life brighter, maybe just by smiling at them.
70. Experience the aurora borealis.
71. See Morichchjhapi
72. Hit an eve teaser where it hurts!
73. Find meaning in ever small or big thing I do. Find meaning in each day.
74. Learn salsa and jive.
75. To invent, or create or make something with my own hands and pour my soul into it.
76. Adopt a child
77. Win something.
78. To be able to wish for something and not lose hope.
79. Make a wish and have it come true!
80. Start a library. Or at least run it.
81. Work in a bookshop.
82. Make a meaningful film or video.
83. Learn to let go and stop hurting myself.
84. Be the person I want to be.
85. To accept criticism gracefully
86. To also think for myself and decide whether the criticism was valid or not.
87. To be able to make my own decisions.
88. To be able to differentiate between right and wrong.
89. To screw up sometimes and then get it right.
90. Learn to skate
91. Learn some bad ass martial art.
92. To be sure that my first kiss is with someone I really like, and not just because.
93. Above rule applies to all further kisses/relationships.
94. To have the courage to trust someone after my trust is broken, to have the courage to love someone after my heart is broken, to have the courage to put my faith in God even though my prayers haven't been answered, to dream even though things haven't quite worked out. Because that's all there is- courage, trust, love, faith, hope, and a dream.
95. To wake up after a bad day and have the strength to go through with it.
96. To wake up after a good day with a promise to myself that today will be better than yesterday!
97. I will fall, and I will get up and try again. And this time I will succeed. Period.
98. Who would've thought I made this list? Give them something to think about!
99. To have the courage to stand for what I believe in; to be free so that every action, every decision and every thought is the result of love and not fear.
100. To love, obey and abide by this list- for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow- for as long as I shall live.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
How it feels...
How does it feel to do something ‘crazy’?
How does it feel to not give a damn
About what anyone else says or thinks,
To just do what you want, without caring, without knowing!
How does it feel when you suddenly break into a sprint
In the middle of the street, with hardly a care in the world?
And when you stop after a while- panting and breathless-
Exhausted but so completely exhilarated!
How does it feel when you get caught in the rain
With no warning at all?
No shelter, no umbrella to defend you
Against this madness pouring in from the skies.
And when you let go of yourself-
Not rebelling, but revelling!
How do the raindrops feel? On your face,
Your eyelids and your lips- as you try
To drink them in
Joyously, thirstily, rapturously-
As though you were drinking life itself.
How does it feel to sing tunelessly,
That carefree song of freedom and joy
and surrender, your feet
To steps of wild abandon
And to go along with the music
That plays itself
In your mind!
How does it feel to get soaked through, get drenched,
So that you are drowning within yourself?
To take in the grass and the earth in the air,
Wholesome and good and, Oh so alive!
How does it feel to be free?
How does it feel to be alive?
Oh! How does it feel?
To lose yourself completely,
Just so that you could find yourself?
I used to know, once upon a time,
But it’s been quite a while!
You'll let me know, won’t you?
If you ever find out how it does feel...
To live.
How does it feel to not give a damn
About what anyone else says or thinks,
To just do what you want, without caring, without knowing!
How does it feel when you suddenly break into a sprint
In the middle of the street, with hardly a care in the world?
And when you stop after a while- panting and breathless-
Exhausted but so completely exhilarated!
How does it feel when you get caught in the rain
With no warning at all?
No shelter, no umbrella to defend you
Against this madness pouring in from the skies.
And when you let go of yourself-
Not rebelling, but revelling!
How do the raindrops feel? On your face,
Your eyelids and your lips- as you try
To drink them in
Joyously, thirstily, rapturously-
As though you were drinking life itself.
How does it feel to sing tunelessly,
That carefree song of freedom and joy
and surrender, your feet
To steps of wild abandon
And to go along with the music
That plays itself
In your mind!
How does it feel to get soaked through, get drenched,
So that you are drowning within yourself?
To take in the grass and the earth in the air,
Wholesome and good and, Oh so alive!
How does it feel to be free?
How does it feel to be alive?
Oh! How does it feel?
To lose yourself completely,
Just so that you could find yourself?
I used to know, once upon a time,
But it’s been quite a while!
You'll let me know, won’t you?
If you ever find out how it does feel...
To live.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Mirrors
Sorry, this is actually the full draft...it was kind of an assignment actually
They reflect naught but the truth,
For they know not a language-
It is language that corrupts,
Teaches one to tell a lie.
They cannot, for they lack words,
They merely show that which is
‘Tis the perception that counts-
There is but a single image.
All is laid bare before the eye-
They judge, and They criticise you
And they do neither of these things.
You are the judge and the critic
And you could choose to be neither,
For yours is the eye that beholds
what is naught but a mere image.
They reflect naught but the truth,
For they know not a language-
It is language that corrupts,
Teaches one to tell a lie.
They cannot, for they lack words,
They merely show that which is
‘Tis the perception that counts-
There is but a single image.
All is laid bare before the eye-
They judge, and They criticise you
And they do neither of these things.
You are the judge and the critic
And you could choose to be neither,
For yours is the eye that beholds
what is naught but a mere image.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Away, melancholy
Just a short, inspirational poem I felt like sharing...
Away, Melancholy
by
Stevie Smith
Away, melancholy,
Away with it, let it go.
Are not the trees green,
The earth as green?
Does not the wind blow,
Fire leap and the rivers flow?
Away melancholy.
The ant is busy
He carrieth his meat,
All things hurry
To be eaten or eat.
Away, melancholy.
Man, too, hurries,
Eats, couples, buries,
He is an animal also
With a hey ho melancholy,
Away with it, let it go.
Man of all creatures
Is superlative
(Away melancholy)
He of all creatures alone
Raiseth a stone
(Away melancholy)
Into the stone, the god
Pours what he knows of good
Calling, good, God.
Away melancholy, let it go.
Speak not to me of tears,
Tyranny, pox, wars,
Saying, Can God
Stone of man's thoughts, be good?
Say rather it is enough
That the stuffed
Stone of man's good, growing,
By man's called God.
Away, melancholy, let it go.
Man aspires
To good,
To love
Sighs;
Beaten, corrupted, dying
In his own blood lying
Yet heaves up an eye above
Cries, Love, love.
It is his virtue needs explaining,
Not his failing.
Away, melancholy,
Away with it, let it go.
Away, Melancholy
by
Stevie Smith
Away, melancholy,
Away with it, let it go.
Are not the trees green,
The earth as green?
Does not the wind blow,
Fire leap and the rivers flow?
Away melancholy.
The ant is busy
He carrieth his meat,
All things hurry
To be eaten or eat.
Away, melancholy.
Man, too, hurries,
Eats, couples, buries,
He is an animal also
With a hey ho melancholy,
Away with it, let it go.
Man of all creatures
Is superlative
(Away melancholy)
He of all creatures alone
Raiseth a stone
(Away melancholy)
Into the stone, the god
Pours what he knows of good
Calling, good, God.
Away melancholy, let it go.
Speak not to me of tears,
Tyranny, pox, wars,
Saying, Can God
Stone of man's thoughts, be good?
Say rather it is enough
That the stuffed
Stone of man's good, growing,
By man's called God.
Away, melancholy, let it go.
Man aspires
To good,
To love
Sighs;
Beaten, corrupted, dying
In his own blood lying
Yet heaves up an eye above
Cries, Love, love.
It is his virtue needs explaining,
Not his failing.
Away, melancholy,
Away with it, let it go.
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